lemme tell you something about The Idiots. (you remember that’s our family name, right? move over, brangelina. here come The Idiots.) you ever see parks and rec? we are april and andy, fully, wholly, unapologetically. we have a running list of normal things we don’t keep in the house. it just, like, doesn’t cross our mind. batteries? batteries are for fancy people. when you run out of batteries, you rob Peter to pay Paul and you remember which remote has the batteries you stole when it’s time to return them. fancy houses keep batteries on hand. they probably also have a wheel barrow and bandaids. (i had bandaids but Toddy used them all as stickers for a project he was working on because he’s a child genius okay like let him breathe)
buying batteries? game. changer. we feel fluuuuuuush with cash. we can make it rain batteries and give ourselves small cylindrical bruises. we are SO fancy and make a loud parade of replacing batteries to objects we’ve been palm-slapping back to life for weeks/months. it is a really, really exciting splurge day when we buy batteries.
thumb tacks! my mom had to bring some from her house because we don’t keep office supplies in our home. like, hardly at all. i could not possibly tell you where our hammer currently is. the last time i truly remember seeing it was in the bed we share with our 3-year-old. it didn’t even phase me when i saw it. i asked zero questions. sometimes, on a really good day, you might find a roll of scotch tape…that I probably stole from someone. but things like staples and printer paper and thumbtacks and post-it’s. nah, man. in our defense, we’re two no-nonsense nurses, so we probably have the stuff to remove staples from your body, but nothing to staple the papers together when we send you home with our bill.
my dad legitimately bought me a Sam’s roll of tinfoil as a gift because I never seemed to have it in my kitchen. it also never crossed our mind that our fancy pepper grinder was low on batteries (there’s that word again) because we just adjusted our peppering time to be the necessary 2-3 minutes per food item. it made mashed potatoes difficult to make, but, honestly, how could i prioritize a pepper grinder battery over the roku remote? that’s just vanity, and i reserve my vanity for things like naming new life theories and being really good at using a pogo stick.
when charlie was born, it did not cross our mind to get him a coming home outfit. why? to this day, i have no idea. it wasn’t even a thought. so we brought him home in the smallest onesie we could find in our closet. it had snoopy on it and said “free hugs” and honestly it’s the most perfect thing for The Idiots New Kid. it sums up so much of our parenting choices. heeeeeavy emphasis on affection and comfort. not exaaaaactly a ton of thought put into the look of it all. but all the free hugs you need, my friend.
the other night we drove around to decide on dinner out then ultimately drove home frustrated and made 1 noodle bowl, 1 box of macaroni and cheese, and cold pasta leftovers. yeah, we like the carbs and the money saving and the non-decision making. we spent the dinner yelling at each other in different accents. this was a fairly normal night for us. our son didn’t bat an extra long eyelash.
i don’t know why i wrote this except that just, really, who cares, amiright? i regularly come to the conclusion that so much of our lack of normalcy is perfectly normal. if you can’t find a post-it, use a regular piece of paper and borrow a band aid from your son’s bathroom counter mural. (just remember where you stole it from so you can replace it when you’re fancy again.) keep a note in your phone of all the places you took batteries in your home. did you eat something yesterday? did you live to talk about it? then good. and so what if your kid came home from the hospital in a free hugs snoopy onesie. at least he feels hugged, yeah? as long as you remembered to actually bring him home from the hospital, you’re more than okay in the eyes of The Idiots.
Alexa play end of the line by traveling wilburys.